Once upon a time a nice girl met a problematic man and convinced herself that she would be able to change him.
– Two years later –
The typical scene is the following: sofa, awful pajamas and messy hair, TV on random programs, sweets or various crap and maybe (I guess huh!) internet page open on: “how to make a difficult / narcissus / aries / capricorn man fall in love with you”. I can even hear your thoughts: “where am I wrong?!”, “maybe I should push a little bit harder”, “I could make him jealous with his cousin”, “how did it come to my mind to tell him that I love him?!”, “I am not going to write him for two hours so he starts to miss me”…
Okay! Please tell your brain to stop and remind that whatever you do or say, it won’t change a damn thing: if a man is wrong for you, there is nothing you can do to turn him into the right one. (Please, repeat!)
If you have read The Mind Beauty Farm, you know my point of view: if you date a man hoping that he will change, you’d better change man. That’s it. So, my advice is to end the toxic relationship with him, where by “toxic relationship” I mean the following situations:
1. He doesn’t love you or doesn’t know how he feels about you
You can even find yourself on a boat lulled by a sea illuminated by the moonlight, but the “I love you” does not want to go out. Unless you’ve just started dating him (like last night), if he can’t decipher his feelings, you should start asking yourself a few questions.
2. You don’t know if you are “a friend” or “his girlfriend”
It is not clear whether you are together or not. Which means: can he see other women or not? The answer is that he is free to do what he wants? Well, then run away! And far away too. In love there are no gray areas: either you are his girlfriend or you are nothing (dura lex, sed lex).
3. You have been together since forever, but the relationship is not going anywhere
If you want different things from life you should be very clear with each other, because no one will give you back your precious time. It is absolutely legitimate to dream of a family or a wedding. And if he has no intention of taking these steps with you, then maybe it means you should start walking alone.
4. He disrespects you
There are explicit and subtle forms of disrespect. From betrayal to physical and verbal violence. One thing is certain: those who repeatedly disrespect you do not love you and, above all, they have such a low moral and ethical sense, that I find it hard to understand why you should want to spend your life with them. Love is serenity, fidelity, esteem, loyalty, tenderness, growth. And self-love is above all courage. Even the courage to say “enough!”. Find that courage then! Otherwise, in order not to destroy your relationship, you will only end up destroying yourself.
5. He is frightened by the idea of a committed relationship, traumatized by his ex, focused on work, on himself and/or his children, so he cannot give you what you ask for
Of course, of course!
6. He is already engaged with someone else
Rule number 1: never be number 2.
What’s the point of continuing to carry on a relationship that isn’t taking you where you want to go? Why keep pretending that you’re okay with what’s hurting you in your heart instead? Those months in which “you just hang out and see how it goes” will become years and you will end up giving your life to a man who is already proving to you that he is unable to make you happy.
Do not diminish yourself next to those who do not know if they want to build a future with you! Remember that not choosing is also a choice. Do not accept lack of respect! You deserve so much more. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who honors you every day, who feels happy and proud to have a woman like you by his side; someone who contributes to your growth and supports you in achieving your goals. And such a man exists. Of course if you continue to be with the wrong guy, maybe it’s a bit more difficult to meet the right one, don’t you think?
It’s your life! Don’t waste it by continuing to cry, feel inadequate, and rack your brains to find what’s wrong with you! I tell you: there is nothing wrong with you. You simply picked the wrong person. If two pieces of a puzzle are not made to fit together, it is not with patience or force that you will be able to fit them together.
The only weapon you have to protect yourself is detachment. Disappear! Close! Don’t beg for crumbs of love, but show him that you know how precious you are and that you will never give up on your dreams. I know how difficult it is to change direction when your heart is pulling you to the other side, but you have to do it for yourself, even if it hurts and if you are afraid of “being alone”. For a while you may have to put together the pieces of your shattered heart, but you will soon understand that you have given yourself the best gift because you will have freed your mind and your spirit.
Paradoxically, when a man is elusive, we get attached more. Somehow we compete with ourselves and with all the women in the galaxy because we have to prove that complicated man can fall madly in love with us. As if our worth depended on our ability to make him love us. But it’s not working like that: your worth does not depend on whether a man (or woman, of course) loves you or not. You should never give others the power to change the way you see yourself.
How do you do it?
Starting to raise your standards (head held high!!):
- Decide how you want to be treated: you determine the limits not to be crossed.
- Stop settling: those who don’t care about your heart don’t love you.
- Define your core values: it is essential that those around you share them.
And then don’t be afraid to be alone: loneliness is a wonderful opportunity to take care of yourself, get to know yourself thoroughly and thus rediscover the beauty you have inside. And the more you become aware of your worth, the more you will attract those who are able to recognize it.
Remind yourself what you deserve: you deserve to be loved, to be happy, to move on.
And he too, he too deserves to go…
♥
“You are not crazy if you fall in love with the wrong guy. You’re crazy if you allow him to ruin your life.”
Authorless
